i look at you,

and fear to love.

so scared to lose

myself in your soft touch.

and if i fall, 

shall you catch me? 

i'm in mid-dream

i see you there, 

you are touching me. 

holding me, 

loving me.

when i wake,

will you be there?

or will i taste

the bitter air?

i still dream,

of making love.

somewhere here

in my bed.

will you stay when i wake

and hold me close

and intimate.

shall i stay

in this mid-dream

so i could touch

your hot silk skin?

but i still wake,

and realize

that dreams can be reality.

whisper in my ear,

your soft breath a tingling sensation.

how long has it been,

when we made love.

i could feel the heat rise,

from my chest -- to my temples.

your body close to mine,

your scent i savour.

i long to trace with my fingers,

your chest, your neck, your face.

the sweet smell of your skin,

I devour.

oh, my dear love,

shall i kiss you in this hour?

my heart skips one beat,

and then another.

suddenly I lose control,

my lips plant a kiss on your steady shoulder.

you look at me,

smile and then move lower.

you kiss my lips,

and whisper

"tomorrow, my lover".

It is true I don't handle attacks like that very well. I accept constructive criticism to my art and my writing smoothly, but when it comes to who I am, it's like pouring acid on an open wound. Its that my life hasn't been easy, I try not to whine about it. I usually keep it secret. It just isn't right to attack someone like that, and make them feel hated.

I've worked hard to be the person I am today, and I really don't deserve something like that. Especially when I haven't done anything wrong at all. Its unfair how words can destroy everything you've worked for. Its unfair how everything can just backfire, and you find yourself standing on that same road you were before. Lost and alone.

I want to hide inside myself. I want to stay in my room and cry, and just hide myself from their eyes. I feel completely broken up again.

I know that your significant other is a big fat liar, and she obviously messed you up. I think you are old enough to fix yourself, and not have to step on other people just to make yourself feel better.

Damn it.

Yes, I've had enough.

I've had enough of you, belittling me.  Saying bad things about me, announcing to everyone how insensitive and annoying I am. I make a single mistake, and you take me off of your damn list of friends. Hell, who do you think you are? Is it so easy to you to just switch me on and off as your friend, whenever you feel like it?  You probably think you're too high up on your pedestal, with your rich and famous friends. Friends that aren't allowed to be my friends; yes, you've said that in your blog entry. You're all high and mighty that you own your own circle of friends, and other people aren't allowed to be a part of it.

I know you have problems, I know you're battling a really huge family crisis. Damn it, don't put it out on me. Don't ever say that I am your pretend friend, and that I am one of those you don't know or didn't know at all. How dare you, really. I am infuriated by your actions, by your sense of judgement of what is right or wrong. I looked up to you. I don't know if you're blinded by all the glitz and glamour of your high-profile life, of your gigs and tours. I may not be always there for you physically, but I care. I care for you enough to still worry about you, now that I know you're fighting for your daughter. I begged Alvin to talk to you, to give you strength. But then, I saw that post. No, that new post. Not the one where you attacked my identity.

I saw that posts where you said you deleted your multiply contacts: people you didn't know, or didn't really know at all.

This is the part where I put my foot down. I've had enough.

You can degrade me all you want. Say that you hate breathing the same air and to be under the same sun as me, and that I quote. People may be under your spell, with all your coolness, but I see through you. I see that what you did is not right. You attacked me infront of other people, you might've not said that it was me, but it doesn't matter. I speak to someone when I have issues with them, not attack them infront of others, make a fool out of them or shame them. What you did was wrong, I will not take revenge but I will take you off of your pedestal. In my head, you're not the one I admire anymore. You're not the one who I want my husband to be best pals with, you're not allowed to be the best man in our wedding. You do not get to be all cool when I am around. Because I know who you are.

You are as screwed up as I am; if not, you are possibly worse. You're scared to face your problems by yourself, and you shine the light upon others so that they wouldn't notice how scarred you are. You prey on others, you blind them.

Please, please, please. Stop judging others and attacking them. You should start fixing yourself. 

I know you're afraid, I know you're lost. That's why I've always tried to support you whenever I feel you're down. It's time for you to stand up on your own. Let's see if your contacts now would see through you. Let's see if they're the real friends.

It was a long journey of self-discovery for me. It was a long long rocky road where I slipped, I cried, I suffered... And you could just talk about it with such hate so easily, because you are annoyed. It might be such an easy task for you, but what I've gone through is not worth having you as a friend only to step on me.

I am stepping up... For the first time, for myself.

The meaning of friendship is one of the most challenging riddles to answer. Sometimes it is a worse mystery than love. How can you define it when you've believed that something is genuine for quite a long time, then realize that you have been insensitive to the truth. 

Do we blame it on change? People change, situations change. Is it always for the betterment of everyone? Is it change that brings us apart? 

I have changed. I have been in rollercoaster ride; I have been four people in two-three years. I have learned to be strong, but I have also learned to change myself when I make mistakes. Why does a single mistake have to affect everything? Friends are supposed to see through you, to see the real you. Why can't they see I've changed and I've paid for my mistake? Why do I still have to pay for it and suffer still?

I've sworn to myself to keep silent. You don't have to fight for what you believe in anymore, you've already suffered because of it. You don't want to be tagged as a know-it-all, as a prick, as a bitch, but you are tagged still anyways.

I do not understand how people can judge, eventhough they don't know how the person is living everyday. How can friends judge when they don't understand, when they don't see you've changed. How can they not see you've changed?

Friends used to be simple, it is supposed to be. It is supposed to be one of the things that sticks with you through everything. They are the ones who are supposed to see through you, to forgive and forget mistakes, to love you and understand your flaws.

How can I wish I could be the old me again? How can I wish to be that ugly, weak girl? The girl who cuts herself, who hates herself, who lives and breathes depression? I have thrived to be stronger, I have become stronger and I've worked hard for it. My hubby has gone through storms to make me a viking, like what I've always told him we should be. But how can I not want to be that girl again? That girl everyone liked, everyone "fell inlove" with. How can I not want to be her again when all of you strike me repeatedly, hurting me to the core. I have paid for my mistake, I have asked forgiveness. 

I feel completely dismantled. I don't want to lose everything we've worked so hard for. I am really not stepping on people. 

I don't want to yearn for the pain when I cut myself -- the monstrous bliss I find in it, as if it was an answer to everything. It used to be.

I don't want to be lost again.